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Can we say irony??

So um…there’s this guy you guys. I really like him. He isn’t anything like what I have gotten into before. In other people’s eyes he is a “bad boy” and they don’t think I should get involved at all. 

But I feel like I shouldn’t judge him for that or let that stop me from taking a chance. On the other hand, I feel like my head isn’t in the right place.

Pros:

• He’s gorgeous and funny, not as smart as me but is still intelligent. lol
• He goes to church and loves the Lord. 
• He plays the piano. When he played for me, I think I melted through the floor. He stared at me the entire time he played one of my favorite songs.
• He’s into alot of the things I like as well. *cough*anime*cough*
• He’s really sweet to me. For the last few weeks he has given me his jacket, bought me food, and offered me other things.
• He interests me for some reason. Can’t really put my finger on it. Maybe he’s hiding something?

Cons:

• He interests me. My curiosity just may be a really bad thing in this case.
• He is 21. Alcohol access. I don’t even need the opportunity. It will lead to who knows what.
• Let’s just say for this next part he has a record and it may or may not catch up to him someday.

So 5 versus 3? Yup I’m going for it. At least I have tumblr to fall back on if things don’t work out in the real world.

*sigh* I can’t wait for tomorrow to see him again.

The only time the weekend is too long instead of too short.

If I burned our bridge, would you jump across the gap between us if you knew it was the only way to get to me?

There are times where I’m sure you will and I know for sure you wouldn’t.

You mean alot to me and I love you so much that even just as we are now it’s hard to let you go. Every now and then I do things I regret and feel like you should have never met me. I remember the bad, and fear the great times because what will happen to me if I cherish my memories of you too much, if at all?

You have crossed me many times and I have made nicks in your heart as well but no matter what we always bounced back. But I feel like now I can’t do this anymore. My feelings flared up again to the point that I said to myself,

“I’m in love with him…” 

I’ve always asked the Lord what am I to do with these feelings of mine and I have no idea what He is saying or if He’s said anything at all. Until I’ve heard Him clearly, all I have done is bury them under the words,

“He’s gay”

This time it’s flared up so bad that I’m clearly having my ninth-tenth thought about staying in this friendship. I’m hoping that this will just blow over and I can go back to ignoring my real feelings tomorrow and giving him more love & support than he should probably get from me. 

One day he’ll probably see this and he’ll probably think that well there’s nothing he can do and that I should just get over it. But by then things will be different. Hopefully, I won’t be like this or worse.

*sigh* Why couldn’t I just have a smaller and less forgiving heart? 

I have seven siblings.

Half-blood or not blood related at all, I have six brothers and one sister.

My oldest brother by blood was named Ryan. If I remember correctly, He died soon after being born. If I am to ever have a child, His name will be Ryan.

Then I was next. I was lucky to be born. The mistake in the line.

Joy.

My next sibling would be J.T. He died in the womb. I never found out what J.T. would stand for. I think being remembered as J.T. is fucking awesome enough.

Jalen was born next. He was born four/five years after me. I basically begged my parents for a sibling. Sex and 9 months later. BEHOLD. The annoying little chubby brother. Well he ain’t little no more….or chubby. :/

He plays football and is a reverend at our church at he age of 15. Quite a feat is I do say so myself.He’s in a way my best friend even though being years younger than me. I can confide in him about anything and he never tells. Even if it is illegal. Before my dark ages, we were really close and I can’t tell you how glad I am seeing our relationship now resemble what we had before and more. 

Little Jacour is next. Pronounced Ja-co-or. Yeah I wanted to name him Jacob but nooooo. Mama had to be original. Toss the ‘b’ and add a ‘ur’. 

-__-“

He’s my little one. He’s is about as proud as me when it comes to most things. He tries to act all big and bad but he’s really just big softie inside. I see it every time he comes and hugs me when I get home. He is a junior Deacon/Usher at our church. He looks so cute in his little suit. I’ve got pics!!! He was born four years after Jalen, and is eight years younger than me.

My last blood related is Jakail Marcell Allen. He is 15 years younger than me and should be in preschool by now. The things is that none of us have seen him since the day he was born. He is somewhere in system and I have no idea of how I can get him home with us but I will someday.

Next is….STEP-SIBLINGS!!

First up is my sister Cineka. She is believed to be around 28. She always says she is 25. At first, she intimidated me. She was another older sis that could take care of her brother better than I could take care of mine. I felt useless and at times ugly compared to her. But it’s not the case of evil step sister here. That was just my own inferiority complex flaring up. No, she is selfish, funny, intelligent, stylish and is kind…at times. I’ve gone from looking down on myself to looking up to her.

She also has one son and another on the way (baby shower on Saturday!!!). Her first son Daunte, was the sweetest little boy you will ever meet. I don’t think he could be mean to anyone. I can honestly say that he melted the ice around my heart, when everyone else’s love had gone cold. Last October he passed away. I love him so much. My heart & prayers goes out to my sister who had to deal with the pain of losing a child.

And last we have Patrick. He was my best friend. During my dark ages, he made himself known. He let me know that I could depend on him. I took every chance I could. Things didn’t end well. That path I took lead to years of wondering if any of it was real and if my decisions were just too selfish.

I find it funny. Before, my heart would jerk around in pain whenever I heard his name. Now, it’s only a dull ache. I wouldn’t call this a dark history. But it’s not something I like to remember. Unfortunately, the light of today shines upon my past and forces me to see what really happened around me.

And there you have it folks.

A piece of my family to you.

I’m mean come on. There are so many people on Tumblr and other social networking sites that complain about being alone but do you even give those in your life already a chance?

You aren’t gonna get something perfect. You aren’t going to get something that needs work and they will receive the same in return. Let go of the thought that a hot guy or girl will come along and just solve all your problems.

Love needs work and if you don’t work for it you can’t achieve it.

:)

It’s grey people like you that ruin our society. If I’m the vile, disgusting thing that doesn’t deserve to live then you are the insignificant creature that’s throwing a tantrum because I love what I love , I love who I am, and I won’t hide it. I will NEVER deny it. Not in front of you and to make you feel better I’ll confess my sins to God and because he loves ME he will be there for me. Then there is you. Hopefully, you get over judgmental self because you aren’t any more loved or any less loved by the One who matters most.