I have seven siblings.

Half-blood or not blood related at all, I have six brothers and one sister.

My oldest brother by blood was named Ryan. If I remember correctly, He died soon after being born. If I am to ever have a child, His name will be Ryan.

Then I was next. I was lucky to be born. The mistake in the line.

Joy.

My next sibling would be J.T. He died in the womb. I never found out what J.T. would stand for. I think being remembered as J.T. is fucking awesome enough.

Jalen was born next. He was born four/five years after me. I basically begged my parents for a sibling. Sex and 9 months later. BEHOLD. The annoying little chubby brother. Well he ain’t little no more….or chubby. :/

He plays football and is a reverend at our church at he age of 15. Quite a feat is I do say so myself.He’s in a way my best friend even though being years younger than me. I can confide in him about anything and he never tells. Even if it is illegal. Before my dark ages, we were really close and I can’t tell you how glad I am seeing our relationship now resemble what we had before and more. 

Little Jacour is next. Pronounced Ja-co-or. Yeah I wanted to name him Jacob but nooooo. Mama had to be original. Toss the ‘b’ and add a ‘ur’. 

-__-“

He’s my little one. He’s is about as proud as me when it comes to most things. He tries to act all big and bad but he’s really just big softie inside. I see it every time he comes and hugs me when I get home. He is a junior Deacon/Usher at our church. He looks so cute in his little suit. I’ve got pics!!! He was born four years after Jalen, and is eight years younger than me.

My last blood related is Jakail Marcell Allen. He is 15 years younger than me and should be in preschool by now. The things is that none of us have seen him since the day he was born. He is somewhere in system and I have no idea of how I can get him home with us but I will someday.

Next is….STEP-SIBLINGS!!

First up is my sister Cineka. She is believed to be around 28. She always says she is 25. At first, she intimidated me. She was another older sis that could take care of her brother better than I could take care of mine. I felt useless and at times ugly compared to her. But it’s not the case of evil step sister here. That was just my own inferiority complex flaring up. No, she is selfish, funny, intelligent, stylish and is kind…at times. I’ve gone from looking down on myself to looking up to her.

She also has one son and another on the way (baby shower on Saturday!!!). Her first son Daunte, was the sweetest little boy you will ever meet. I don’t think he could be mean to anyone. I can honestly say that he melted the ice around my heart, when everyone else’s love had gone cold. Last October he passed away. I love him so much. My heart & prayers goes out to my sister who had to deal with the pain of losing a child.

And last we have Patrick. He was my best friend. During my dark ages, he made himself known. He let me know that I could depend on him. I took every chance I could. Things didn’t end well. That path I took lead to years of wondering if any of it was real and if my decisions were just too selfish.

I find it funny. Before, my heart would jerk around in pain whenever I heard his name. Now, it’s only a dull ache. I wouldn’t call this a dark history. But it’s not something I like to remember. Unfortunately, the light of today shines upon my past and forces me to see what really happened around me.

And there you have it folks.

A piece of my family to you.

My lil man is gone.

My nephew passed this last wed. and tomorrow is the funeral.

I know that he’s gone but I just don’t believe it. I don’t feel it. Every time the thought comes in my mind that he has died, I’m quick to deny it. I then avoid all negative thoughts and become unusually hyper and happy.

Is this shock? Or is everything going to be released once I see him?

I feel I’m not being healthy.

soheregoesmy:

- George Zinavoy (The Art of Getting By)

(Source: samsconsciousness, via canis-altaica)

This is why I try my best not to put down other people. I would never want another person to feel the way I do now.

Worthless.

Ugly.

Unwanted.

Should have never been born.

Suicidal.

Words are weapons. Does more damage than a gun ever could.

And they wonder why people become begin to seriously dislike homosexuality.

I have this “best friend”. A gay fem boy. Whatever.

His sexuality is so out there and he so defensive that he begins to do the hateful things that homohaters do to gay people.

How much wrong can it get?

My mother adores him. More than her own child. And she believes that he is right.

I ain’t shit. I am wrong. I need to listen. I need to put him first.

That’s what she says…

I’m not a homohater. How can I be when I like females myself?

But I’m seriously starting to dislike people like him. Those who put their sexuality out there so strongly and in a negative way, I just can’t stand it now.

Keep it to yourself or in a blog or whatever.

I don’t go around saying “I love dick/vagina! If you don’t there’s something wrong with you. Fucking hetero bitch.”

With him, it sometimes seem like it’s more than that. I feel like I’m being attacked personally.

I’m his best friend yet I get disrespected more often than not. What kind of sense does that make if it’s not jokingly and both parties know it?

I just had a long talk with my mother and in our situation she only defends him. Never stops to listen to what I have to say. Just assumes the worst about how I feel, calls me Satan (might as well had), and tells me to shut the fuck up. Literally.

I can’t explain to you how much that conversation hurt. I’ve always had the feeling that she has never loved me and only continued to role as a mother because of God and it was the right thing to do. But this….

It’s just more evidence.