I don’t know how to really start this off better than with an I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that the first thing this morning I didn’t do was thank you for giving me another day. I usually do it but for today and the times I missed I will apologize for now. You blessed me with another day of fun with a friend that is really fun and calming to be around and you blessed her with another year of life.

I’m really grateful.

There are many other things as well but it would take me too long to list them here. But one thing I will say is that my blessings out number the reasons to be sad.

I don’t want to be sad anymore.

That’s what I thought a month ago when I didn’t have the strength to keep living in a pointless cycle.

But I prayed and after time (and a final beating), I did it.

I broke free.

Things are better now even with the occasional moments of sadness. Even though I know I don’t need anyone in my life, I’m still lonely. That place that I cut him out of still stings with a vengeance.

And I’m tempted to go back.

The reason why would be because it’s safe.

I would know everything before it happened. I wouldn’t be surprised by the disappointment, hurt, and tears. I know how much it would hurt and how long it would last.

I wouldn’t be surprised with a whole new set of pain to deal with. I wouldn’t take things as far as marriage, as I had originally planned. I would be alone but be sorrowfully and happily loving someone who didn’t…doesn’t love me. I would be ok with a one sided love.

But that isn’t what’s meant for me. If it was, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to get out. To break free of the harmful cycle that once broken would end in my suicide.

And when I realized that loving anyone like I did him was as safe as sleeping with poisonous snakes, it’s when I turned to you, Father.

I know that I couldn’t do it alone and that friends can only witness the pain, not heal it like you can.

And you did.

Even though everyday is a challenge, I am still here living.

But I can’t love anyone else.

Living in this sinful world, I can’t imagine a guy out there looking for someone…

…And that someone is me.

They exist, they do…just….not for me.

So I’ve said all of this to say prove me wrong.

Please, give me the hope to keep smiling at the world even though I feel that as the world smiles back at me, it’s not real. It’s all lies.

Show me the truth, Lord.

Show me that there is still love in this world and not just meant for me or for others like myself who give out all the love they have but never receive anything equal to the amount they dished out.

I want to smile at the world knowing that inside they feel something heart-warming, not heart-wrenching. And that the smile they return is full of positivity.